Perfect
by Is Mise
Summary: Murphy's musings turn into a quiet moment between Connor and Murphy. Rated PG13 for depressing themes and mention of cutting.
1. Chapter 1

So today is someday in some month but that information is nothing but insignificant. So here I am sitting in our room in my unmade bed that most likely will not be made until the wee hours of tomorrow afternoon because I hate making my bed and I am just beyond giving a fuck so it will stay unmade and I will sleep on a scratchy mattress pad thing and bitch and moan about it all day tomorrow...and all has been one of _those_ days, not like I haven't been having on of _those_ days for the past a few months, but still today for some reason just aches a little more than yesterdays did. I am trying not to do anything stupid, I am trying to stay clean, I am trying to not cry, to not feel lost and useless, but _that_ is something I am having the hardest time not doing.

I looked around me today and so many people have found themselves, who they are, what they stand for. Their dreams are in order soon to become a reality, they know the way they want to look and they way they want to drink their drinks, then you have me.I know nothing... absolutely nothing. I have no idea how I want to drink my coffee, black or two sugars, hold it by the handle or hold it by cupping the top chancing dropping it onto my lap. I have no idea how I want to read a book, sitting at a desk or sitting in a overstuffed chair? I have always dressed the same way, The same as my brother, we have always dressed the same. I have always done what Connor has done. Connor has always been the one that has everything figured out. He is the one that made his (our) dreams come true and he is the one that everyone always looks to for the answers and me? Well I just follow Connor at his side, well nowadays it has been more behind him... at least that's what he told me tonight.

I was sitting on my bed just drawing absentmindedly in my journal, which Connor bought me for our 12th birthday, he said I looked like I need a place to draw ... besides the back of last weeks homework. He found it last night in some box that Ma sent him. There were only a few little drawings in there, and a few notes of things I needed to remember, and now I am just using it for maybe its intended purpose. I was staring out the window when I heard something whip past my ear and hit the wall behind me but I didn't look around to see what it was, I knew what it was. Connor, throwing his socks at me.

"What the fuck Murph?" He screamed. I still didn't look around. What I did was just sit there. It was like Connor wasn't even there. You have seen those movies where the slow motion kicks in and some moving music starts to play and you can see some person in the background screaming at the top of their lungs sometimes throwing stuff and then, usually the main character is walking away and all the talking is muted but you know they are screaming at someone to come back to them … well it was like that happened in my brain, but I couldn't fast forward to the next scene.

Connor had me by the arms now, shaking me, pushing me, talking but I don't know what he was saying. His voice was still muted in my head, replaced my moving and swelling music that was so beautiful it almost brought tears to my eyes. Maybe it did because then Connor's hands were cupping my face so gentle that I _know_ it brought tears to my eyes and a ache in my heart. Finally I could feel the slow motion slowly slink off my body and the music was beginning to fade and I could hear Connor. His forehead was on mine and his hands still cupping my face, something wet was dripping down my nose and the world was back at normal speed.

"I love you Murph." Was the first thing I heard, whispered through the lump in Connor's throat. "I wish I knew how to fix this Murph." One of my hands found it way to the nape of Connor's neck, playing softly with the longer strands there as my other hand came up to cup Connor's face wiping at the tears on his cheeks. "This is nothing you can fix, brother. This one is for me to fix." and he was so relieved that I moved, spoke, he almost straddled my lap trying to get as close to me as he could, to touch as much of me as he could. But the relief was short lived with my words. "This is one we fix together Murphy. You are not going to fix this alone, you are not going to go at this alone Murph. I love you, I am not leaving you." He held my hand to his cheek tighter, and ever so slightly he turned his head to kiss my wrist, the bandage wrapped around it, the blood soaking through it, staining his lips just a little.

"I'm scared Murph." he whispered as he put his head on my shoulder, his hands dropping to my neck smoothing the hair at my neck. "What if next time …" he couldn't even finish and I felt him swallow at the lump in his throat. "Next time …. Next time I won't" I whispered back, but it was not true and he knew it. He knows just as well as I do this was not something I just could _not _do. This is something I have been doing since I was twelve for the past fifteen years, it was something I could not simply just stop doing. This time was just a little too deep and a little too much in the suicidal way. A little too straight and a little too precise. I was just a little too numb and that is something that does scare me, I have never been _this _numb before.

Connor knows this is not true, the "there not being a next time" but he still breathes a little easier now and his body begins to slump against mine, a little more relaxed. I reached down and pulled at the hem of his shirt then undressed we each other in silence as soon as my boots hit the floor Connor was straddling my lap again, clinging to me his back tensed again and the tears springing back to my eyes, just as quick I laid back with Connor still in my arms, on top of my chest stretched over me, covering every inch of me with his body. And we fell asleep. His tears drying in the hollow of my collar bone and mine drying down his neck.


	2. Chapter 2

This is chapter two hope its okay.

Disclaimer: Duffy owns the boys, I am just the crazy person that plays with them sometimes and get no money from it.

I woke up the next morning with Connor's legs tangled in mine, he had flipped us over in the night, I was now the one with my head laying on his chest almost covering him with my body, we did not look comfortable that's for sure but somehow laying in my lovers arms no position could be uncomfortable.

I slowly rolled off him, walking the ten feet to the bathroom to relieve myself when I walked out, Connor was standing there in the doorway, he looked over me, something someone else would have missed but, I know what he was doing, even if he was being sneaky about it. "Coffee?" He asked in a quiet, tired voice. I nodded and we walked over to the coffee maker together, Connor crowding behind me his chin resting on my shoulder.

"That looks painful," He whispered against my skin, hot breath warming my shoulder. "What does?" I asked as I reached up to put the coffee tin away. "Bending your wrists like that. I know the stitches must be stretching." It was a good observation, just not one I wanted to think of, because they were, and it was painful, I just didn't want to tell him that so I just nodded my understanding.

Sitting at the small modest, beaten up table in the middle of the kitchen I sipped slowly on my coffee. Connor brought his mug to his lips, blowing slowly on it before taking a sip out of it, his eyes on my wrists but when I would catch his eye he would look to the left at the clock.

"We need to change the bandages." he said in a small voice as I got up to rinse my cup. I stood there in silence, not wanting to do it, not wanting Connor to do it. I had kept Connor way from this part of my world for years, never letting him in. Now that he knew, without a doubt, I could not deny him the brief glance into the world I would run to when I was not running to Connor. My hands shook slightly as I thought of Connor seeing the cuts even if they were stitched closed. I just wanted to run and hide in a dark corner but I nodded and Connor came behind me, taking the mug from my hands and turning off the water. "Your bandages are soaked in blood." He spoke softly again. I could not remember when I had ever heard Connor's voice like that soft. His hand intertwined mine with his before we walked into the bathroom.

"Sit down there." He said guiding me to the toilet seat as he got out the bandages and cleanser the hospital sent home with me. My world slowed and Connor was gone, it was just me staring at the bloodied bandages, the bathroom disappeared and the alley floor and trash appeared in its place.

_A knife was in my left hand, the blade glinting off the light at the end of the alley as I brought it down to my right wrist, the tip of it piercing a vein and slowly, smoothly it cut through my skin down to my elbow a river of blood streamed down my skin as it continued it way to my elbow. My body was numb, my emotions gone, my tears dry, the blade switched hands as it pierced my flesh again. It delved deeper into the wrist this time, it ran smoothly again up to my elbow as the blood flowed freely down my arm to create a puddle on the ground at my feet. I sat there watching in fascination at a drop fell from my wrist to the puddle below, splashing up blood that now landed on my pants and shoes, a small smile landed on my lips as it rippled in the pool. _

"Murph?" Connor's soft cold hand on my cheek brought the bathroom floor back, the blade disappeared as the blood washed away, now my eyes were on Connor's. "You okay there Murph?" he asked in a small voice. I smiled softly at Connor. "Yeah, sorry, coffee still hasn't kicked in." I gave a small chuckle as I leaned forward enough to give my lover a small kiss.

"Ready?" He asked softly after I broke our kiss, I just gave a small nod. "Okay." Connor slowly started to unravel the blood soaked bandages form my arm revealing the angry, wide, stitched together cut, Connor bit his lip to keep the small gasp in his body, trying to keep his reactions minimal, not to guilt me or scare me. After putting the bloodied bandage in the waste bin he took the washcloth out of the warm water mixed with peroxide and rubbing alcohol. He looked up at my blue eyes, locking them together, silently talking in our twin way.

Connor looked back at the upturned arm in his hand looking at the bloodstained skin, the stitches buried deep in his skin to keep in my precious blood. He gingerly kissed down the stitches from wrist to elbow before trailing the washcloth behind his kisses. He dabbed at the blood around the wound keeping away from the actual cut for now. He leaned back and turned the arm towards him more, he patted the washcloth to the cut once he was done he put the cloth in the water bowl and picked up some gauze pads carefully applying the antibiotic ointment to it generously and sticking it on the cut directly, putting a little pressure on the pad to keep it in place to do it again six more times before wrapping a roll of gauze bandage around my arm. He repeated the same thing to my left arm, this one deeper, wider, more pristine.

I let the floor go back to the alley after Connor kissed my arm sweetly, too sweet and kind and forgiving for me to take, so I went back to the quiet alley, bleeding and dying.

_My eyes were drifting shut with sweet bliss of death scratching its way into my heart, my legs falling from their position bent at my chest now laying limply on the floor, my ankles bouncing as they fell, my arms stayed upturned, blood pouring out still, my pants becoming soaked in it, my breath becoming shaky as my lungs fought for life as my heart was embracing death. _

"Murph, we're done. Wanna get breakfast and lay down in bed?" Connor whispered as he cleaned up and the alley disappeared again. I stood up slowly with Connor going into the kitchen and ate my cereal quietly. "You okay there?" Connor asked quietly taking my hand in his. "Yeah, just still tired." I said looking up form his cereal and giving Connor a small smile. "Well we will go lay back down." He said simply taking his and my bowls and putting them in the sink, he would clean them later for now I was more important. He came back to me wrapping his hand in mine and walking me to the bedroom letting go as we crawled in bed.

"Here," He lit a smoke and passed one to me, we smoked silently again. Connor was worried, he had never seen me this still or quiet, so disconnected. Connor finished his smoke and took my spent cigarette putting it out, he laid us down, covering us with the blanket. "Sleep lover." He whispered putting my head under his chin, his fingers petting through my hair, Connor's eyes wide open , his hand feeling my pulse beat steadily under his fingers.

"_He-he-he is back here," I faintly heard sirens and a familiar stutter, too weak to move, to bring my legs back to my chest trying to become the wall, to blend in so no one would find me. A man came to my side wrapping things around my arms keeping the blood in me. Doc was standing next to me now, wrapping an arm around my shoulders his other hand rested over my heart. "How long has he been out here?" the man asked Doc. "I saw-saw-saw him come out here fif-fif-fif-fif…" He stuttered. "How did you know?" he asked Doc as darkness was starting to take me over._

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